Top 10 Scenes I’d Like to See on “Who Do You Think You Are?”

or: “10 Scenes You’ll Probably Never See on ‘Who Do You Think You Are’”

10. Scene showing Celebrity sitting at microfilm reader in library. Microfilm roll suddenly snaps, sending film spinning wildly. “@#$% microfilm reader! And I’m out of quarters, too!”

9. Shot of Ancestry.com screen. “Our servers are over capacity at this time. Please try again later.”

8. Scene of Genealogist talking to Celebrity. “Um, we were going to get your great-grandfather’s death certificate, but the producers said $75 for a crummy old death certificate is highway robbery.”

7. Shot of Ancestry.com screen with Public Member Tree. Genealogist: “OMG, look at this - this moron has Elmira Q. Winkly as the daughter of Hepzibah Tinkly Winkly - who was only four years old at the time of Elmira’s birth! I can’t believe what junk you can find on these trees!”

6. Scene at courthouse basement door. Celebrity: “Yuck, that place is filthy - I’m not going in there!”

5. Celebrity and Genealogist are purposefully tromping across a field to reach a small, overgrown cemetery.  Suddenly Celebrity stops and looks down at shoe with a look of dismayed recognition slowly creeping over her face.  Chagrined genealogist:  “Um, yeah, I forgot to mention - the cemetery is in the middle of a cow pasture....”

4. Genealogist and Celebrity at front desk of repository. Employee at desk: “Oh, that old stuff? We dumped it ages ago - we had to make room for the new gift store.”

3. Scene in home of Celebrity’s Relative. Celebrity asks Relative about Grandpa Bolter. Relative screams at Celebrity: “Don’t you ever mention that skunk’s name around here again! We don’t talk about that branch of the family!”

2. Shot of Ancestry.com screen: “Someone is already logged on to your account. If it is not you, please call xxx-xxx-xxxx between the hours of 9:00 and 5:00 EST to report a problem. If you are logged on on another computer, log off and try again.”

1. Scene of Genealogist reporting to Celebrity: “Sorry, all of your ancestors were farmers and day laborers. They all got married, stayed married, and stayed together. They committed no crimes, never sued one another in court, and were involved in no disasters. To be quite honest with you, your ancestors were boring!” (Oh, wait a minute - this is what happens with celebrities who don’t make it to the final cut. Off camera, of course.)